Sober Dad by Michael Graubart

Author:Michael Graubart
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hazelden Publishing

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I. This was also my victimhood story—combine that with my father’s alcoholism and emotional abandonment of the family, and of course I drank. This gave me license to do anything I wanted and to use people however I saw fit. Who was there for me? So why should I be there for you?

II. Same thing, of course.

Embrace Being a Perfectly Imperfect Dad

Time to let go of perfectionism.

The good news is that you don’t have to be perfect to be a wonderful father.

You just have to be, in Bruno Bettelheim’s formulation, good enough.

Think for a moment about how freeing it would be not to have to be perfect as a parent.

Instead of aiming for being perfect, aim for being loving.

In this chapter, let’s talk about strategies for letting go of perfectionism on the one hand and demonstrating your loving-kindness on the other.

My sponsor had four kids. He said with the first one, he would sterilize the bottle, weigh the milk, and so on, being totally perfectionistic about everything.

By the fourth kid, he was rolling a dirty bottle across the floor to the kid. I’m not sure that’s the recommended path, either, but you get my point. I’m not suggesting you slack off. I am saying that there’s a middle ground between perfectionism and lack of interest, and it’s up to you to find that sweet spot.

You also don’t have to be a perfect husband.

One of the themes of this book has been that an attentive husband makes for a happier wife and a happier home. But let’s get real. Having a baby is stressful. You’re not sleeping. You’re not in your normal routines. Your parents are butting in constantly with their own useless opinions. Friends are dropping by unexpectedly, as if the baby were a new Picasso you acquired. You’re not having nearly as much sex as before, or if you are, it’s mostly with yourself. So I understand you’re a little bit on edge.

Interestingly, the Tenth Step of Alcoholics Anonymous—not to go Step Warrior on you—says, and I quote, “And when we were wrong.” Not “and if we were wrong.”

“And when we were wrong.”

We’re going to be wrong. We’re going to say the wrong thing. We’re going to do the wrong thing. We’re going to screw up. Over and over. There’s a learning curve to being a parent. But it’s okay. You don’t have to be perfect. Just give it your best shot, and when you say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, apologize as quickly as you can.

Do you ever apologize to your child? I have, from the time that I had to get on my knees to be able to look them in the eye. There’s nothing wrong with apologizing to a child. You don’t want to stand on ceremony with your own kid and pretend you’re perfect.

I have a standard of telling each one of them, every single day, that I love them. Now, do they need to hear that over and over again?

It’s like chicken soup.

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